ishouldshutup

I’ve always wished I could go back and start over, but of course that’s not how life works.  So this morning I decided to start fresh, sort of.  Obviously I can’t change everything but I’m going to pin point the most important things and just do it, no matter what it takes.  Not just talking about major things like my work either.  It’s all those little things I nag myself about but never do.  It’s all those things I want to do but get stuck in self pity instead.  Time to move on.  The rest of my life won’t get here just because I want it to…

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to live like other people, to spend just one day even half as good as someone else.  My life has been nothing more than one mistake after another and today was a reminder of that as well as a reality check.  I’ve always considered myself a good person.  I follow the rules and try to be kind to others, but for some reason I just keep sinking lower and lower.  I moved to Kansas City to give myself the chance to better my life.  Now to be completely honest, that still might happen.  It just amazes me how much I can mess everything up.  In my selfish idiocy, and quite frankly an all time low, I called in to work today… second time this week.  Of course they were not really happy and my conscience having got to me I convinced them to let me work part of my shift.  Long story short I think I blew my luck where I currently work and although I certainly still have a job it’s not going anywhere, not that it really was before, but still… now I HAVE to make other options work.  I’m very anxious to see if the schooling with go through.  I have Monday through Wednesday off so hopefully I’ll know about the loan before I go in on Wednesday.  If I find out Monday or Tuesday then I’ve decided to just give notice and quit working there.  I’m going to write it off as something I should never do again and find a way to make it up to myself before I cry myself to sleep too many nights.  I don’t know how others do it.  My stomach has churned so much today that I’ve hardly been able to eat or drink let alone probably sleep tonight.  I guess days like today remind me why I’ve grown to hate myself so much.  I can never do much of anything right.

 

I guess the silver lining in all of this is of course my life is not over and in a few days I’ll probably feel better, but I better get things changed quickly or I’m afraid of how low I’m going to sink.  If the loan goes through and I quit Hen House, the first thing I’m going to do is commit to MAKING this work and putting all of my energy in to it.  I can’t fail this time, especially my mom.  I owe my mom way more than I’ve given her and she’s pulling my ass out of this one and making part of it possible by covering some of the expense.  I’ve got too much riding on this.

 

I’ve still got the “this is the rest of my life” feeling…

I just need to make sure I don’t fuck it up like I do everything else.

And I hope my nerves don’t get the best of me before it’s all done, either.

I really need to learn to relax and be patient.  My biggest problem.

I decided while gaming today that I would give heavy roleplay a try in World of Warcraft.  There are a lot of guilds that do it and I have participated in a few events and enjoyed it.  I figure this will be a way to cut back on the insanity of grinding levels, although it will slow my progress a lot.  It is way more important to me to have fun than level anyway.  It seems most of the gaming population disagrees though.

I also seem to have come across a very annoying but comical spyware or malware on my computer.  At first it would periodically start playing a voice only advertisement for a movie and some marching music.  Then it started with people speaking French for what seemed forever.  It even overrides my game sound.  I suppose I better find a way to get it off or I will eventually go insane!

I also have developed a taste for beer it seems.  I just need to find something with a bit more flavor than Miller Lite.  I think I will try Heineken or some kind of "draft" beer.  I have to admit I never knew what draft was until Pei explained it to me.  Yes, I am really that odd.  I started drinking coke at a very young age and never gave anything else a try since it was so good.  I think the picture and my vast coke product collection can speak for themselves though.  Cheers!

A mouse has apparently decided to make residence in my house so I named him Vern.  Not sure how he got in, but I will let him stay for now.  If I can get him out in the open I will get a few pictures.  With all the cheese he has eaten he oughta get fat enough that I can catch him.  I just hope the dog stays away from him.  The little bugger seems to hang out in the geek room most of the time where the dog is not allowed. He has ventured into my bedroom and bathroom that I have seen, probably everywhere else too.  There is just enough room under the door to the geek room for him to get through if he wants.  I suppose I should come up with a way to catch him pretty quick.